"Airplane" -- Original Movie Script



Kareem Abdul-Jabar  as Murdock

Peter Graves        as Captain Oever

Lloyd Bridges       as McCroskey

Julie Hagerty       as Elaine

Robert Hayes        as Ted Striker

Leslie Neilson      as Dr. Rumack

Lorna Patterson     as Randy

Robert Stack        as Kramer

Stephen Stucker     as Johnny

Otto ( Autopilot)   as Himself

Written/Directed/Produced By: Jim Abrahams, David & Jerry Zucker

OPEN:  Theme from Jaws, plane busts out of clouds like Jaws...

Voiceman: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading   

	  of passengers only, there is no stopping in the red 


Voiclady: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading   

	  of passengers only, there is no stopping in the red 


Voiceman: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading   

	  of passengers only, there is no stopping in the red 


Voiclady: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading   

	  of passengers only, there is no stopping in the red 


Zealot#1: Hello, we'd like you to have this flower from the       

	  religious consciousness church, would you care

	  to make a donation?

Elaine  : No, thank you anyway.

Voiceman: The red  zone is for immediate loading and unloading    

	  of passengers only, there is no stopping in the white 


Voiclady: NO! The white zone is for immediate loading and         

	  unloading and there is no stopping in the red zone.

Voiceman: The red zone has always been for loading and unloading

	  there is never stopping in a white zone.

Voiclady: Don't tell me which zone is for stopping and which zone

	  is for loading.

Voiceman: Listen Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit


Zealot#2: Hello, we'd like you to have this flower from the       

	  religious consciousness church, would you like

	  to make a donation?

????????: No thanks, we gave at the office.


Security: Would you put all of your metal objects into this dish 

	  please ( Man first removes all of his jewelry, etc.

	  then his prosthetic arm and leg)

Voiceman: There's just no stopping in a white zone.

Voiclady: Oh really, Vernon, why pretend, we both know perfectly

	  well what it is you're talking about.  You want me to

	  have an abortion.

Voiceman: Its really the only sensible thing to do.  If its done 

	  properly, therapeutically, there's no danger involved.

Someguy : Taxi!

Striker : I'll be back in a minute. ( sets cab's meter running)

Zealot#3: Hello sir, we'd like you to have this flower on behalf

	  of the church of Religious consciousness, would you 


Worker#1: Hey, Larry, where's the forklift? ( To worker#2 who is

	  busy guiding a plane into a hanger )

Worker#2: Forklift?  Its over there by the baggage loader. 

	  ( Gestures the direction of baggage loader with 

	  guide sticks causing the plane to go that direction

	  and to come crashing into the terminal)

People  : ( In terminal )  LOOK OUT!!!! ARGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!


Striker : Elaine!!!!!

Elaine  : Ted!

Striker : I came home early and found your note.  I guess you

	  meant for me to read it later. Elaine, I've got to

	  to talk to you.

Elaine  : I just don't want to go over it anymore.

Striker : I know things haven't been right for a long time,

	  but... It'll be different.  Like it was in the 

	  beginning.  If you'll just be patient I can work

	  things out.

Elaine  : I have been patient and I tried to help, but you

	  wouldn't even let me do that.

Striker : Don't you feel anything for me at all anymore?

Elaine  : It takes so many things to make love last.  But,

	  most of all, it takes respect, and I can't live 

	  with the man I don't respect.

Striker : ( To camera ) What a PISSER!

PA      : Captain Oever, white courtesy phone.  Captain Cla


	  Oever, white courtesy phone.



Oever   : Oh! ( picks up white phone ) This is Captain Oever!

Operator: One moment for your call from the Mayo Clinic.

PA      : Captain Oever, white courtesy phone.  Captain Clarence

	  Oever, white courtesy phone.

Oever   : I'VE GOT IT!

PA      : Thank you.

Operator: Go ahead with your call.

MayoDoct: Uh, this is Doctor Brody at the Mayo Clinic.  There's a

	  passenger on your Chicago flight 209er, a little girl

	  named Lisa Davis, en route to Minneapolis.  She's 

	  scheduled for a heart transplant, we'd like you to tell

	  her mother we found a donor an hour ago.  We have the 

	  heart here, ready for surgery. . . We must have the 

	  recipient on the operating table within 6 hours.  I

	  want you to make sure she's kept in a reclined position

	  and that a continuous watch is kept on her IV.  Also,

	  its very important that she remain calm. . .

Operator: EXCUSE ME, This is the operator Captain Oever, I have

	  an emergency call on line 5 from a Mr. Hamm.

Oever   : Alright, Give me Hamm on 5, hold the Mayo.

Striker : Look, you'll be back in town tomorrow night, we'll... 

	  have dinner.  We'll talk things over.

Elaine  : I won't be back, I've requested the Atlanta run.

Striker : Elaine, I promise, I can change.

Elaine  : Then why didn't you take the job that Louis Neds

	  offered you at Boeing?

Striker : You know I haven't been able to get near a plane since

	  since the war.  Even if I could, they wouldn't hire

	  me because of my war record.

Elaine  : You're war record ???  You're the only one keeping that

	  alive, for everyone else, its ancient history.

Striker : You expect me to believe that?

Elaine  : Its the truth.  What's hurt you the most is your record 

	  since the war.  Different cities, different jobs and

	  not one of them shows you can accept any real


Striker : Elaine, if you just give me one more . . .

Elaine  : Its too late, Ted. When I get back to Chicago, I'm

	  going to start my life all over again. I'm sorry.

Zealot#4: Excuse me, we'd like you to have this flower from the

	  Church of Religious Conscious. . .PUNCH . . .           


Attendnt: Hi! Well, good evening. Oh, there you go.

	  You just follow all the way back.  Hello.

Victor  : Any word on that storm lifting over Salt Lake


Oever   : No not likely, Victor.  I just reviewed the area report

	  for 1600 hours through 2400.

Victor  : Uh, huh ...

Oever   : There's a front stalled over the Dakotas, backed all 

	  the way to Utah.

Victor  : Yeah, well, if she decides to push over to the great

	  lakes, it could get plenty slippery.

Oever   : Uh, huh.

Victor  : What about the southern route, around Tulsa?

Oever   : I double checked the terminal forecast and winds aloft

	  and I had cloudy ceilings all the way.

Victor  : Where do they top out?

Oever   : Well . . . there's some light scattered cover to 20,000

	  icing around 15. . .

Worker3 : Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..

	  (falling off ladder from washing plane's windows)

Victor  : Boy looks like the original plan ought to be the

	  best bet.

Oever   : Denver it is.

Murdock : Sorry Clarence. Latest weather report shows everything

	  is sopped in from Salt Lake to Lincoln.

Oever   : Oh, Hi Roger! Glad to have you aboard! Victor, this is

	  Roger Murdock, Victor Basta.

Victor  : How do you do Roger?

Murdock : Nice to meet you!

Oever   : Roger, I was telling Victor that I reviewed the area 

	  report for 1600 hours through 2400 there'sa front

	  stalled over the Dakotas. . .

Ticketer: There you go, thank you.

Striker : Can you tell me if Elaine Dickenson is on this


Ticketer: Well, the whole flight crew has boarded.  Let me see.

	  Oh yes, she is on board.

Striker : I'd like one ticket to Chicago.  No baggage.

( Guy still waits in Taxi for Striker)

Ticketer: Smoking or non-smoking.

Striker : Smoking, please.

Ticketer: ( Hands Ted a ticket which is literally smoking) There.

	  Have a nice trip.


     VOICE: Striker, this is red leader 4.  Primary target        

	    covered by fog.  Decision to proceed is yours.

	    decision to proceed IS YOURS. IS YOUUUURRRRS...


Jiveman1: Sheeeet, man, that honkey mus' be messin' my old lady   

	  got to be runnin' col' upsihd down his head!



Jiveman2: Hey Holm, I can dig it!  You know he ain't gonna lay no

	  mo' big rap upon you man!


Jiveman1: I say hey sky, s'other say I won say I pray to J I get  

	  the same ol' same ol.



Jiveman2: Knock yourself a pro slick. Gray matter back got        

	  perform' us' down I take TCBin, man'.



Jiveman1: You know wha' they say: See a broad to get that bodiac  

	  lay'er down an' smack 'em yack 'em.



Together: Col' got to be! Yo!

Subtitle: HOW TRUE!

Together: Sheeeeeeet!

Subtitle: GOLLY.



      NO SMOKING             

      El NO A YOU SMOKO      





Oldlady : Nervous?

Striker : Yes.

Oldlady : First time?

Striker : NO, I've been nervous lots of times.

Elaine  : Hi, we'll be taking off real soon.  SO I'd better 

	  fasten you in tight.

Dyingirl: Thank you.  Oh, mother this is so exciting.

Mother  : I know, but you must get some rest.

Elaine  : That's good advice.  You relax and I'll be back right

	  after we take off.

Lovelorn: God Bill. I am going to miss you so much.

Leaving : Oh, I'm gonna miss you too. Promise you'll write??

Lovelorn: SIGH . . . Every day.  Bill...

Conductr: Better get on board son.  All aboard!!!!!

Oever   : 209er to ground control.  We're loaded and ready to


Lovelorn: Goodbye Bill!

Leaving : Goodbye darling. I love you darling.

Tower   : 2-0-9er, taxi to runway 1-9er.

Leaving : Goodbye darling.

Lovelorn: Have your picture taken the minute you get there. And 

	  send me one, alright?

Leaving : Okay, here, hurry. ( he throws her his watch as she

	  runs along the side of the taxiing plane. ) 

Lovelorn: Oh, but your watch, but you shouldn't.  You're gonna

	  need this!

Leaving : Its alright.  It doesn't work.

Lovelorn: Bill!

Leaving : Goodbye darling.

Lovelorn: Bill! ( Knocks over light tower while running )  Bill!

	  Bill! I'll keep it with me all the time, I swear to     


Leaving : I know darling, take care of yourself, goodbye.

Tower   : Flight 2-0-9er, you're cleared for take off.

Oever   : Roger!

Murdock : Huh?

Tower   : L.A. departure frequency 1-2-3 point 9er.

Oever   : Roger!

Murdock : Huh?

	: Re-quest Vector, over!

Oever   : What?

Tower   : 2-0-9er clear for vector 2-3-4.

Murdock : We have clearance Clarence.

Oever   : Roger, Roger.  What's our Vector Victor?

Tower   : Tower's radio clearance, over!

Oever   : That's Clarence Oever! Oever.

Tower   : Roger.

Murdock : Huh?

Tower   : Roger, over.

Murdock : Huh?

Oever   : Huh?

Attendnt: DO you feel alright sir? 

Striker : Oh, I haven't flown for a long time.

Oever   : Good evening ladies and gentleman, this is Captain

	  Oever speaking.  Well, be cruising at 36,000 feet 

	  this evening.  Our arrival time in Chicago will be   

	  10:45 pm central time. The temperature there is 

	 currently 62 degrees with a 20% chance of precipitation.

	 Meanwhile, relax and enjoy your flight.

Elaine : Would you like something to read?

Oldlady: Do you have anything light?

Elaine : Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh... how about this leaflet, famous Jewish

	 sports legends?

Oldlady: Yes, thank you.

Elaine : Teeeeeeeeeeeed!?! What are you doing here?

Striker: Elaine, I've got to talk to you!

Elaine : Y-Y-Yo-You shouldn't have come, I don't have time now!

Oldlady: Stewardess . . .

Elaine : Excuse me!

Oldlady: No wonder you're upset! She's lovely! And a darling 

	 figure.  Supple pouting breasts.  . . firm thighs . . .

	 its a shame you two don't get along.

Striker: Yes, I know, things used to be different.  I remember

	 when we first met.  It was during the war. ( Flashback)

	 I was in the Air Force stationed in Drambui, off the 

	 Barbary coast.  I used to hang out at the Magumba bar.

	 It was a rough place, the seediest dive on the wharf.

	 Populated with every reject and cut-throat from Bombay

	 to Calcutta.  Its worse than Detroit.  The mood in the

	 place was downright ugly.  You wouldn't walk in there 

	 unless you knew how to use your fists.  You could count

	 on a fight breaking out almost every night. ( fight

	 between two women breaks out. Chairs are crashed . . .)

	 ( Saturday Night Fever music starts to play when juke  

	 box is clobbered  I didn't go there that night to fall

	 in love I just dropped in for a couple of drinks. But, 

	 suddenly there she was.  I was captivated, entranced.

	 It hit me like a thunderbolt.   I had to ask the

	 guy next to me to pinch me to make sure I wasn't 

	 dreaming.  I was afraid to approach her, but that

	 night fate was on my side. ( The man Elaine is dancing

	 with gets a knife in his back.  He tries to ascertain

	 help from Elaine by pointing with both hands at his

	 back, but Elaine thinks that this is a new dance move

	 and mimics him.  He collapses and dies.  Striker begins

	 to dance disco style with Elaine, soon a crowd gathers   

	 to watch.  Both Ted and Elaine dance in humanly          

	 impossible ways.  The crowd cheers. Next the bar is

	 empty, and its the end of the night.  Ted and Elaine

	 are still there with the 2 fighting women.  ( end

	 flashback ) We laughed, we talked, we danced I never

	 wanted it to end.  I guess I still don't.  But, enough

	 about me, I hope this hasn't been boring for you.  Its 

	 just that whenever I talk about Elaine, I get so carried

	 away, I loose all track of time. ( Oldlady has hung 

	 herself )

Elaine  : Would you like to order dinner now?

Father  : Yes, Joey will have the steak and my wife and I will

	  have the fish.

Joey    : When can I see the cockpit dad?

Father  : Joey, I think the pilots are probably too busy flying    

	  the  plane for that.

Joey    : Awww, geee whiz!!!!!!!!!!

Elaine  : I'll tell you what Joey, I'll talk to the Captain and

	  see what I can arrange.

Joey    : Gee, that'd be swell!

Elaine  : Would you gentleman care to order your dinners?

Jiveman1: Bet babe, slide a piece a da porter, drink si' run th'



Jiveman2: Lookie here, I can dig grease and butter on some

	  draggin' fruit garden.


littlboy: Excuse me, I happened to be passing and I thought you

	  might like some coffee.

littgirl: Oh, that's very nice of you.  Thank you. Oh, won't you

	  sit down?

Littlboy: Oh thank you.  Cream?

Littgirl: No thank you, I take it black . . . . . . like my men.

Striker : Well, you see . . . ( to a different passenger --

	  new flashback, reminiscent of the Blue Lagoon. )

   Elaine  : Oh TED! I never knew I could be so happy.  These

	     few months have been just wonderful.  Tomorrow,

	     why don't we drive up the coast to that little

	     seafood place and . . . what's the matter???

   Striker : My orders came through.  My squadron ships out

	     tomorrow, we're bombing the storage depots at

	     Daiquiri at 18:00 hours.  We're coming in from the

	     North, below their radar.

   Elaine  : When will you be back?

   Striker : I can't tell you that? It's classified.

   Elaine  : Ted, please be careful.  I worry about you so much.

   Striker : I love you Elaine.

   Elaine  : I love you!

( Return from flashback, the passenger stabs himself to death )

Denver  : Flight 2-0-9er, this is Denver flight control.  You are

	  approaching some rough weather.  Please climb to 42,000


Oever   : Roger, Denver.

Elaine  : We have a visitor. . .

Oever   : Hello.

Murdock : Hi!

Elaine  : This is Captain Oever,  Mr Murdock and Mr Basta. This

	  is Joey Hammond. . .

Oever   : Well hi Joey.

Murdock : Come on up here, you can see better.

Oever   : We have something here for our special visitors ( takes

	  out a model airplane for Joey ), would you like to have


Joey    : Thank youuuuuuu!  Thanks alot!

Oever   : Sure.  You ever been in a cockpit before?

Joey    : No sir, I've never been up in a plane before.

Oever   : You ever . . . seen a grown man naked ?

Murdock : Do you want me to check the weather Clarence?

Oever   : No, why don't you take care of it.  Joey, did ya

	  ever hang around a gymnasium?

Elaine  : We'd better get back now Joey!

Oever   : Noooooooo, Joey can stay here for a while if he'd 


Joey    : Could I?

Elaine  : Okay, if you don't get in the way.

Murdock : Flight 2-0-9er to Denver radio, climbing to cruise

	  at 42,000.  Will report again over Lincoln.  Over and


Joey    : Wait a minute! I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabar.

	  You played basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers.

Murdock : I'm sorry son, but you must have me confused with some-

	  one else.  My name is Roger Murdock.  I'm the co-pilot.

Joey    : You are Kareem! I've seen you play.  My dad's got 

	  season tickets.

Murdock : I think you should go back to your seat now Joey. 

	  Right Clarence?

Oever   : Nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, he's not bothering anyone, let him 

	  stay here.

Murdock : But just remember, my name is ROGER MURDOCK.  I'm an

	  airline pilot.

Joey    : I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't 

	  work hard enough on defence.  And he says that lots of

	  times, you don't even run down court.  And that you

	  don't really try . . . except during the playoffs.

Murdock : The hell I don't!! ( grabs joey by collar ) LISTEN KID!

	  I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA.

	  I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your

	  old man to drag Walton and Denier up and down the

	  court for 48 minutes.

Oever   : Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?

Striker : Elaine, just hear me out.  I know things haven't been

	  right for a long time, but it'll be different.  like

	  it was in the beginning, remember?

Elaine  : I remember everything.  All I have are memories.

	  Mostly, I remember the nights when we were together.

	  I remember how you used to hold me and... how I used

	  to sit on your face and wiggle and...afterwards how

	  we'd watch 'til the sun came up. When it did, it was

	  almost like . . . like . . . each new day was made 

	  only for us.

Striker : That's the way I've always wanted it to be Elaine.

Elaine  : But it won't be . . . not as long as you insist on

	  living in the past.

( Striker flashes back -- )

     Voice: You're too low Ted . . . YOU'RE TOO LOW!

( Now in military mental hospital.  Random mental hospital

conversation has been skipped. Striker is painting a picture of 

a guy in the middle of an explosion )

     Doctor : Okay Robert, slip em down, this won't hurt much . .

     Elaine : You got a telegram from headquarters today.

     Striker: HEADQUARTERS?!? What is it?

     Elaine : Well, its a big building where generals meet.  But  

	      that's not important right now.  They've cleared

	      you of any blame for what happened in that raid.

	      Isn't that good news?

     Striker: Is it? Because of my mistake 6 men didn't return

	      from that raid.

     Elaine : 7, Lieutenant Zip died this morning. . . ( Striker

	      spits out drink ) The Doctor says you'll be out in

	      a week, isn't that wonderful?

     Striker: Wish I could say the same for George Zip.

     Elaine : Be patient Ted, nobody expects you to get over this


     Subject: Hey Striker, How bout a break, I'm getting tired.

     Striker: Yeah, alright.  Take 5.  ( We see that the subject

	      has been standing in a contorted stance with an

	      explosion backdrop exactly mimicking the painting

	      Striker has been working on )

     Elaine:  I have found a wonderful apartment for us.  It has

	      a brick fireplace and a cute little bedroom with 

	      mirrors on the ceiling and . . .

     Jeleen:  Red leader, Red Leader . . . I'm goin' down (

	      makes gunner noises )

     Striker: Captain Jeleen.  He thinks he's a pilot still

	      fighting the war.

     Jeleen : I've found the tunnel Johnson!! Its this way $25

	      for a cigarette is too much!

     Herwitz: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

     Elaine : What's his problem?

     Striker: Its Lt. Herwitz.  Severe shell shock.  Thinks he's

	      Ethel Merman.

     ( We cut back to herwitz, but he is now replaced with the 

       real Ethel Merman )

     Herwitz: You'lllllll be swell...

	      You'll be great...

	      Gonna have the whole world on a plate.

	      Startin' here.

	      Startin' now.

	      Honey, everything's coming up rosseehhhhhhhhsss.

	      ( He ( she ) faints )

     Striker: War is hell.

( Meanwhile back on the plane )

Attendnt: Would you like some coffee before we serve dinner?

Striker : No, no thank you.

Attendnt: Would either of you like another cup of coffee?

Mother2 : I will, but Jim won't.

Father  : I think I will have another cup of coffee.

Mother2 : ( To herself in an echo voice ) Jim never has a 

	  second cup at home.

Attendnt: Excuse me sister . . .

Nun     : Yeahhhs?

Attendnt: There's little girl on board up front who's ill and .. 

Nun     : Oh, yes. I saw, poor child.

Attendnt: Could I borrow your guitar . . . I think maybe I could

	  cheer her up.

Nun     : Of course.

Attendnt: Ohhhh.... thank you.  ( She drags guitar across the

	  passengers heads )

Attendnt: Hi!

Mother  : Hi!

Attendnt: Do you mind if I talk to your daughter?

Mother  : No I think that'd be nice.

Attendnt: Hi, I'm Randy.

Dyingirl: I'm Lisa . . . YOU HAVE A GUITAAAAR!

Attendnt: Uh, huh!  I thought maybe you'd like to hear a song.

Dyingirl: I'd love too!

Attendnt: Okay.  Let's see, uh... this is one of my favorites!

	  I've traveled the banks of the river of Jordan

	  To find where it flows to the sea 

	  I looked in the eyes of the cold and the hungry

	  And I saw that I was looking at meeeeeee.

	  And I wanted to know if life had a purpose

	  And what it all means in the end

	  In the silence I listened to voices inside me

	  And they told me again and again.


	  There is only one river ( Knocks IV out of Lisa's

	  arm with guitar but doesn't notice )

	  There is only one sea

	  And it flows through you

	  And it flows through me ( Lisa is having conniptions

	  about her IV as if about to die )

	  There is only one people

	  We are one in the same ( The whole plane begins to

	  clap along )

	  We are all one spirit

	  One naaaaaaaaaaaammmme.

	  We are the father

	  We are one.

	  We are one.

	  We are one.

Oever   : Little late tonight.  We've been waiting for you.

Elaine  : Who wants to be first?

Murdock : Go ahead Clarence, I got 'er.

Elaine  : How's the weather?

Murdock : Not so good.  We've got some heavy stuff ahead of us. 

	  It might get rough again unless we can climb on top.

Striker : ( To a guy in a turban ) Yeah, after the war, I just 

	  wanted to get as far away from things as possible.

	  Elaine and I joined the Peace Corps.  We were assigned

	  to an isolated tribe: the Malumbos. ( Flashback to

	  African tribe ) They'd never seen Americans before.

     Striker : It was really a challenge during the year

	       introducing them to our western culture.

	       At first they didn't know what to think

	       of us, but soon we gained their trust.

     Elaine  : It will help you better prepare and store

	       foods for the up and coming Monsoon months.

	       Also, Supperware products are ideal for storing

	       leftovers to help stretch your food dollar.  This

	       2 quart Sealz-em Right container will keep hot dog

	       buns fresh for days.

     Striker : You must understand, these people had been

	       completely isolated from civilization.  No one

	       had ever outlined a physical fitness program

	       for them and they had no athletic equipment.

	       I started them on simple calisthenics and slowly

	       worked them up to rudimentary game skills.  And

	       finally, advanced competitive theory.  I was 

	       patient with them and they were eager to learn.

	       they seemed to enjoy themselves.  It was probably

	       due to the advanced American techniques that we

	       were able to bridge the generations of isolation

	       communicate so successfully with Mulambos.

	       ( The Mulambos start to play basketball like pros)

	       I think they're finally getting the hang of it

	       when we re-enlist, I'll teach them baseball.

    Elaine   : Ted, I don't want to stay here, its time for us

	       to go back home to the plans we made before the


Striker  : Alot of people made plans before the war . . . 

	   like George Zip.  It was at that moment that I 

	   first realized Elaine had doubts about our 

	   relationship.  And that as much as anything else

	   led to my drinking problem ( He pours his drink

	   on himself.)  We did come back to the states, I tried

	   a number of jobs . . . well, I could go on for hours,

	   but I would probably start to bore you.  ( Guy in

	   turban pulls out knife and points it to his heart )

	   I really couldn't blame Elaine ( Guy stabs himself

	   and moans ) she wanted a career.

Oldlady2: Uhhhhhhhh...... I can't stand it. Ohhhhhhh.

Elaine  : Yes?

Oldlady2: Oh... its my stomach.  I haven't felt this aweful since

	  we saw that Ronald Reagan film.  uhh.

Elaine  : I'll see if I can find some Dramamine. ( Goes to

	  cockpit ) Captain, one of the woman passengers is

	  very sick.

Oever   : Airsick?

Elaine  : I think so, but I've never seen it so acute.

Oever   : Find out if there's a doctor on board as quietly as

	  you can. . . Joey . . . have you ever been in a, a 

	  Turkish prison?

Father  : Ohhhhhhhhhh, I shouldn't have had that second cup of

	  coffee.  ( he vomits )

Mother2 : ( In echo voice ) Jim never vomits at home.

Elaine  : I'm sorry I had to wake you, I'm just looking for a 

	  doctor, there's nothing to worry about.

Woman3  : Stewardess, I think the man sitting next to me is

	  a Doctor.

Elaine  : Sir, excuse me sir, I am sorry I have to wake you,

	  sir, are you a doctor?

Rumack  : That's right.

Elaine  : We have some passengers that are very sick, could you

	  come take a look at them?

Rumack  : Yes, of course. . . ( To sick woman ) Let me see your

	  tongue. ( eggs begin to come out of her mouth. Rumack

	  cracks one and a bird flys out ) I'll be back in a 

	  minute. ( To Elaine )

	  You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon

	  as possible, we've got to get them to the hospital. . .

Elaine  : A hospital . . what is it?

Rumack  : Its a big building with patients, but that's not 

	  important right now.  Tell the captain I must speak

	  to him.

Elaine  : Certainly.

( Victor is getting sick )

Oever   : Victor, we're running into some heavy weather . . .

	  can you ( Victor passes out ) Roger! Take OVER!

Rumack  : Captain, how soon can you land?

Oever   : I can't tell.

Rumack  : You can tell me, I'm a doctor.

Oever   : NO, I mean I'm just not sure.

Rumack  : Well, can't you take a guess?

Oever   : Well, not for another 2 hours.

Rumack  : You can't take a guess for another 2 hours?

Oever   : No, no, no.  I mean we can't land for another 2 hours

	  fog has closed down everything this side of the

	  mountains.  We've got to get through to Chicago.


????????: What is it doctor?

Rumack  : I'm not sure.  I haven't seen anything like this since

	  the Anita Bryant concert.  What was it we had for

	  dinner tonight?

Elaine  : Well, we had a choice, steak or fish.

Rumack  : Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna.  What did he


Elaine  : Fish . . .

Attendnt: Doctor, there are 2 more sick people and the rest of

	  the passengers are worried.

Rumack  : I'll go take care of the passengers.  Find out what the

	  two sick people had for dinner.

Oever   : This is Captain Oever speaking, been a little bumpy up

	  here, but we'll be past it in a couple minutes.  A few

	  points of interest we are now flying over Hoover damn

	  and a little later on, we'll pass just to the south of 

	  the Grand Canyon.  Meanwhile, relax and enjoy your

	  flight, okay?  CHICAGO: THIS IS FLIGHT 2-0-9er. . .

	  We're in trouble, we've got to have all traffic below

	  us cleared.  I want a priority approach and landing in


Mother2:  Stewardess, my husband is very sick can you do

	  something please?

Elaine  : Well, the doctor will be with you in just a moment.

	  One thing, do you know what he had for dinner?

Mother2 : Yes, of course, we both had fish.  Why?

Elaine  : Oh, its nothing to be alarmed about.  We'll be back to

	  you very quickly.

Elaine  : Dr Rumack, Mr Hammond ate fish, and Randy said there

	  five more cases and they all had fish too.

Rumack  : And the Co-Pilot had fish, what did the navigator have?

Elaine  : He had fish.

Rumack  : Alright, now we know what we're up against.  Every

	  passenger on this flight who had fish for dinner will

	  become violently ill in the next half hour ( Oever 

	  notices he had fish and begins to come down with the

	  symptoms as they are described ) 

Elaine  : Just how serious is it Doctor?

Rumack  : Extremely serious.  It starts with a slight fever and

	  dryness of the throat.  When the virus penetrates the

	  red blood cells, the victim becomes dizzy begins to 

	  experience an itchy rash, then the poison goes to work

	  on the central nervous system, severe muscle spasms

	  followed by the inevitable grueling.  At this point,

	  the entire digestive system collapses accompanied by

	  uncontrollable flatulence ( Oever begins to fart )

	  Until finally, the poor bastard is reduced to a

	  quivering wasted piece of jelly.

Oever   : Au--to--ma-tic pi-lot.

Elaine  : ( Searches for button ) Automatic pilot, automatic 

	 pilot, there it is . . . ( Otto begins to inflate)

Rumack  : I'll go back to the passengers.

Chicago : Come in 2-0-9er, this is Chicago.  Flight 2-0-9er,

	  come in.

Elaine  : This is Elaine Dickenson, I'm the stewardess, 

	  Captain Oever has passed out on the floor and

	  the co-pilot and navigator too.  We're in

	  terrible trouble, over.

MCrosky : Roger, Elaine, Roger.  I read you. This is Steve

	  McCrosky at Chicago air control,  Back to you in

	  a minute ( To Tower ) Hold all takeoffs, I don't

	  want another plane in the air.  When the 508 

	  reports, bring it straight in.  Put out a general

	  bulletin to suspend meal service on flights out

	  of Los Angeles.  Tell all dispatchers to remain at

	  their posts, its gonna be long night.  How bout

	  some coffee Johnny?

Johnny  : NO THANKS!

MCrosky : I want the weather on every landing field this side

	  of the line, no matter what the size.  Do you 

	  understand?  Anyplace, anyplace where there's a

	  chance to land that plane.  ( To Siamese twins )

	  Stan, go up stairs to the tower and get a runway

	  diagram.  Terry, check down the field for emergency


Airdude : Chief we got fog right down to the deck, every

	  place east of the Rockies.  There's no possible

	  place to land, they'll have to come through to


MCrosky : Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.

	  I want the best available man on this, a man who

	  knows that plane inside and out and won't crack

	  under pressure.

Johnny  : How 'bout Mr Rogers?

MCrosky : Get me REX KRAMER!  Elaine, right next to the throttle

	  is the air speed gauge. What speed does it indicate?

Elaine  : 520 miles per hour.

MCrosky : Good now, check your altitude.  That's the dial just

	  below and to the right of the air speed indicator.

Elaine  : 35,000 feet.  NO wait, 34,000 feet . . . NO WAIT,

	  its dropping.  Its dropping fast, why's it doing 

	  that?  Oh my god, the automatic pilot, its 


MCrosky : Don't panic, on the belt line of the automatic pilot

	  there's a tube, now that is the manual inflation 

	  nozzle.  Take it out and blow on it.

Passngr : What the hell's going on up there?

Rumack  : Elaine?

Elaine  : Yes, Doctor.

Rumack  : Elaine, you're a member of this crew. Can you face

	  a few unpleasant facts?

Elaine  : NO.

Rumack  : Alright, unless I get those people to a hospital 

	  quickly, I can't even be sure of saving their lives.

	  Now, is there anyone on board who can land this


Elaine  : Well, no, no one I know of.

Rumack  : I think you ought to know what are chances are.  The

	  life of everyone on board depends on one thing:

	  finding someone on board who can not only fly this

	  plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner.

Elaine  : Ladies and gentleman, this is your stewardess speaking

	  We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement

	  might have caused this is due to periodic airpockets we

	  encountered.  There's no reason to be alarmed and we hope

	  you enjoy the rest of your flight.  By the way, is there

	  anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?


( Back at Rex's house )

Paul    : Hello, I am Paul Puree from the airline, I'm here to

	  pick up Captain Kramer.

MsKramer: Oh, yes come in Paul, Rex will be right out.

Dog     : Ruff, Ruff ( starts to grab paul's leg)

MsKramer: Shep, sit. So, I understand you all have a real          

	  emergency down there.

Paul    : Yes, something like that, but as I said, they didn't 

	  have time to ( tries to get dog off leg ) tell me 

	  very much.  Ahhhh.

MsKramer: Shep, no. I'll bet you have exciting things happen all

	  the time down there.

Paul    : Well, the airline business does have its moments ( still

	  trying to get rid of dog ) but after a while you get 

	  used to it.

MsKramer: Shep! Come.  He gets so excited when new people are

	  here.  Are you a pilot yourself?

Paul    : NO,  (ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh) I am in a training program. . .

Kramer  : Its unbelievable, just unbelievable, you know how many

	  times I've warned them about food inspection.

MsKramer: You'd think after all these years someone would listen

	  to you ( dog and Paul wrestling in background) 

Kramer  : Airport management, the FAA and the airlines.  They're

	  all cheats and liars.  Alright, lets get outta here.

Attndnt : I'm sorry to bother you, I was just looking for someone

	  with flying experience.

Striker : When they built those roads they had no thought of

	  drainage in mind, so we had to take a special jeep

	  up to the main road.  In fact, we were lucky to even

	  get a jeep since just the day before the only one we

	  had broke down, had a bad axle. ( The passenger

	  next to him douses himself in gasoline and lights

	  a match, then pauses while stewardess talks to

	  Striker )

Attndnt : Excuse me sir, there's been a little problem in the

	  cockpit . . .

Striker : The cockpit . . . what is it?

Attndnt : Its the little room in the front of the plane where the

	  pilots sit, but that's not important now.  You see the

	  first officer is ill and the Captain need someone to 

	  help him with the radio.  Do you know anything about


Striker : Well, I flew in the war, but that was years ago, I 

	  wouldn't know anything about it.

Attndnt : Won't you go up, please? ( Striker agrees, passenger

	  next to him blows out match, but blows himself up

	  accidently anyway )

Striker : The stewardess said . . . BOTH PILOTS????????

Rumack  : Can fly this plane?

Striker : Surely you can't be serious?

Rumack  : I am serious, and don't call me Shirley!

Attndnt : Doctor, I've checked everyone. Mr. Striker is the

	  only one.

Rumack  : What flying experience have you had?

Striker : I flew single engine fighters in the Air Force,

	  but this plane has four engines.  Its an entirely

	  different kind of flying, altogether.

All Together: Its a entirely different kind of flying.

Striker : Besides, I haven't touched any kind of plane in six


Rumack  : Mr. Striker, I know nothing about flying, but there's

	  one thing I do know:  You're the only one on this plane

	  who can possibly fly it, you're the only chance we've


MCrosky : NO, that's right, that's what I said . . . tell them all

	  to acknowledge and stand-by.  Get me every piece of 

	  emergency equipment you can reach.  Alert rescue units

	  every mile of the way, from here to the rockies.

Towergy : Chief . . .

MCrosky : We'll need a pre-landing flight check, tell 'em I want

	  it in the dispatch office and tell 'em I want it here


Towergy : Its your wife.

MCrosky : ( To wife ) I want the kids in bed by nine, the dog

	  fed, the yard watered and the gate locked.  And get a

	  note to the milkman  NO MORE CHEESE!  CLICK! Where the

	  hell's Kramer?

Kramer  : No, we can't do that, the risk of a flame out is too

	  great, leave 'em at 24,000 . . . no, feet.  One of the

	  passengers is gonna land that plane.

Paul    : Is that possible?

Kramer  : Possible, its a 100-1 shot. ( Car hits a cyclist )

Kramer  : I know this guy.

Paul    : You do?

Cyclist : Asssss-hole!

Paul    : Who is it?

Kramer  : Name is Ted Striker, I flew with him during the war,

	  it won't make my job any easier tonight.  Ted Striker

	  was a crack flight leader, up to a point.  He was one

	  of those men who, lets say, felt to much inside, maybe 

	  you know the kind.  Went all to pieces on one particular

	  mission, lets just hope that doesn't happen tonight.

Striker : Lets see.  Altitude, 24,000 feet... level flight, speed

	  520 knots. Course, 0-9er-0, trim, mixture, wash, rinse,

	  spin . . .

Elaine  : Ted, what are you doing here?  You can't fly this plane!

Striker : That's what I've been trying to tell these people.

Rumack  : Elaine, I don't have time to say this gently so I'll be

	  very direct everyone on this plane is in a desperate

	  situation, Mr. Striker is the only hope we've got.

Striker : Those are the flaps, this is the thrust, this must turn

	  on the landing lights ( Plane starts to nose dive when

	  that knob is turned ) Mayday, mayday, mayday.

MCrosky : MAYDAY? What the hell does that mean?

Johnny  : Mayday? Why that's the Russian New Year.  You know, 

	  we'll have a big parade, we'll serve hot hor'doevres . .

Oldlady : I can't stand it anymore, I've got to get outta here.

	  I've gotta get outta here.

Elaine  : Calm down get ahold of yourself.

Gentlmn : Stewardess, please, let me handle this ( grabs her and

	  starts to shake her )

Gntlmn2 : Calm down, now get back to your seat, I'll take care of 


Nun     : Mr, your wanted on the phone . . .  Everything's going

	  to be alright < SLAP >! Please.

Gntlmn3 : Sister, I'll handle this.        < SLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAPPP >

( There is now a line of people with baseball bats and whips

waiting to help the woman )

Zealot5 : Excuse me, we'd like you to have this flower ( Kramer

	  punches the man )

Zealot6 : Excuse me sir, would you . . . ( Kramer pushes him out

	  of the way )

Zealot7 : Donations for the Reverend Moon? ( Kramer punches him )

Zealot8 : Jews for Jesus? ( Crack ! ) Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Zealot9 : Read about Jehovah's witness? ( Kramer kicks him )

Zealt10 : How about Buddhism? ( Whack! )

Zealt11 : Help Jerry's kids? ( punch! )      

Zealt12 : Scientology?

Zealt13 : Avoid nuclear power? ( Bap ! Bop ! )

Announc : Your attention please!  No Frills passengers no arriving

	  please have your baggage claim checks ready to show the

	  attendant upon leaving the terminal. ( Passengers are

	  coming down the conveyer belt for luggage )

Kramer  : I know but this guy has no flying experience at'all.    

	  He's a menace to himself and everything else in the

	  air. . . yes, birds too.

MCrosky : Okay, okay, he's a terrible risk, but what other choice

	  have we got?  That's the whole story there Rex,

	  everything we know.

Kramer  : Alright Steve, lets face a few facts.  As you know I

	  flew with this man during the war.  He's going to 

	  have enough on his mind without worrying about those

	  times when . . . when things weren't so good.

MCrosky : Right now, things aren't so good.

Kramer  : Let me tell you something Steve, Ted Striker was a

	  top notch squadron leader a long time ago.  

MCrosky : I want you to get on the horn and talk that guy down

	  Now, you're going to have to let him get the feel of

	  that airplane, and you'll have to talk him on to the

	  approach.  So help me, you'll have to talk him right

	  down to the ground. ( Crash )

Kramer  : Very well, put Striker on the speaker.

MCrosky : Use my radio there.  Looks like I picked the wrong week

	  to quit drinking. ( gulp )

Towergy : Now, you can work 'im direct from here, Captain.

Kramer  : Thanks. Striker . . . Striker, this is Captain Rex

	  Kramer speaking.

Striker : YES, -CAPTAIN- Kramer, I read you loud and clear.

Kramer  : Alright, its obvious you remember me.  What do you

	  say you and I just forget about everything except 

	  what we have to do now.

Striker : Lets not kid each other _Kramer_ you know I've never

	  flown a bucket like this. I'm gonna need all the 

	  luck there is.

Kramer  : Standby Striker.  Our one hope is to build this man

	  up, I've got to give him all the confidence I can.

	  Striker- have you ever flown a multi-engine plane


Striker : NO, never. 

Kramer  : ( TO McCrosky thinking that the radio to Striker is off)

	  SHIT! This is a God damned waste of time, there's no

	  way he can land that plane.

MCrosky : (Radio is still on) Grab ahold of yourself, you gotta

	  talk him down, you gotta.

Kramer  : We ought to route him in Lake Michigan, at least we'll

	  avoid killing innocent people.

MCrosky : You're the only chance they've got.

Kramer  : Alright, Striker, you listen and listen close flying a 

	  plane is no different from riding a bicycle, just alot

	  harder to put baseball cards in the spokes.  Now, first

	  I want you to get the feel of the plane. Later, we'll 

	  run down the landing procedure.  Now, I want you to 

	  disengage the automatic pilot . . . watch that you don't

	  make any violent control movements like you did in the

	  fighter planes. 

Striker : Alright, I'm going to unlock the automatic pilot.

Kramer  : Now just remember the controls will feel very heavy

	  compared to a fighter.  Don't worry about that its

	  perfectly normal.  ( Plane starts to nosedive and

	  passengers begin to panic )  Now one more thing,

	  is there somebody there who can work the radio 

	  and leave you free for flying?

Striker : Yes, the stewardess is here with me.

Kramer  : Good, have her sit in the co-pilot's seat.

Striker : Elaine, he wants you to sit in the co-pilot's seat.

Passengr: What's going on?  We have a right to know the truth!

Rumack  : Alright, I'm going to level with you all.  The most

	  important thing now is that you remain calm.  There's

	  no reason to panic ( his nose starts to grow ).  Now,

	  it is true that one of the crew members is ill,

	  slightly ill, but the other two pilots are just fine,

	  they're at the controls, flying the plane, free to

	  pursue a life of religious fulfillment.

Striker : The radio's all yours now.  And keep an eye on that 

	  number 3 engine gauge over there, its running a 

	  little hot ( sign flashes "a little hot" )

Kramer  : Striker, before we start, I'd like to say something.

	  I know that right now things must look pretty rough

	  up there, but if you do what I tell you, when I tell

	  you to do it, there's no reason why you shouldn't

	  have complete confidence in your chances to come out

	  of this thing alive and in one piece.  Striker, what

	  kind of weather are you in up there?

Elaine  : Rain!

Striker : And a little ice.

Elaine  : And a little ice.

Kramer  : How's it handling?

Striker : Sluggish, like a wet sponge.

Elaine  : Sluggish, like a wet sponge.

Kramer  : Alright, Striker, your doing just fine.

Striker : Its a damn good thing he doesn't know how much I hate

	  his guts.

Elaine  : Its a damn good thing you don't know how much he

	  hates your guts.

Jivemn2 : Mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Attndnt : Can I get you something?

Jivemn2 : S'mo fo butter layin' to the bone. Jackin' me up.


Attndnt : I'm sorry I don't understand.

Jivemn1 : Cutty say he cant hang.

Woman4  : Oh stewardess, I speak jive.

Attndnt : Ohhhh, good.

Woman4  : He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know

	  if you can help him.

Attndnt : Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as

	  soon as I can with some medicine.

Woman   : Jus' hang loose blooood.  She goonna catch up on the`

	  rebound a de medcide.

Jivemn2 : What it is big mamma, my mamma didn't raise no dummy, I

	  dug her rap.

Woman4  : Cut me som' slac' jak!  Chump don wan no help, chump 

	  don git no help.  Jive ass dude don got no brains


MCrosky : Get me Captain Oever's wife on the phone, we'd better

	  let her know what's going on.

Towergy : Chief, this weather bulletin just came off the wire.

MCrosky : Johnny, what can you make outta this?

Johnny  : This?  Why I could make a hat, or a brooch, a 

	  pterodactyl. . .

( Phone rings at Captain Oever's wife's house, she answers. )

MSOever : Hello?

Towergy : Mrs. Oever?

MSOever : Yes, this is Mrs. Oever.

Towergy : This is Ed Masias calling from the airport.  There's

	  some trouble on your husband's flight.  We don't know

	  how serious it is yet, but Steve McCrosky say you may

	  want to get down here right away.

MSOever : Yes, I'll be right down. . . ( hangs up the phone )

	  I've gotta go to the airport, you can let yourself

	  out the back door.  There's juice in the refridger-

	  ator.  ( We see she is sleeping with a horse)

Horse   : Nayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.... plllllllllllllllllllll.


Elaine  : Dr Rumack says the sick people are getting worse and 

	  we`re running out of time.

Striker : ( In echoey voice to himself ) I've got to concentrate

	  oncentrate, oncentrate. I've got to concentrate,

	  concentrate, concentrate.  Hello, hello, hello.

	  Echo, echo, echo.  Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbau

	  Manny Motta, motta, motta.

Man     : How're you doing honey?

Woman5  : I'm so hot, I'm burning up.

Man     : I'll turn on some air. ( The whole cabin starts to blow

	  with wind. " Close the window " )

Striker : Chicago, the passengers are beginning to panic, when do

	  we start down?

Kramer  : Not just yet, but you're in our range any second now.

	  I don't understand it should have been in range 10

	  minutes ago.  Genderson, check the radar range, 

	  anything yet?

Gendrsn : ( Looks in an oven ) Its about 2 more minutes chief.

MCrosky : 2 more minutes?  They could be miles off course.

Kramer  : That's impossible there on instruments ( a brass

	  ensemble begins to play )

MCrosky : This is going to be a real sweat.  Genderson, let me

	  know when you get anything.  Got a cigarette Nelson?

	  I can't take much more of this.  Looks like I picked

	  the wrong week to quit amphetamines.  Johnny, how

	  about some more coffee?

Johnny  : NO THANKS!

Towergy : Chief, these reporters won't leave without a statement.

Reportr : How much longer can those passengers hold out?

MCrosky : A, half an hour or less.

Reportr : Who's flying the plane?

MCrosky : One of the passengers.  But, he's an experienced Air

	  Force pilot who flew during the war, so there's no

	  cause for alarm.  . . Here, take over.

Reportr : What kind of plane is it?

Johnny  : Oh its a big pretty white plane with red stripes,

	  curtains in the window and wheels.  It looks like

	  a big tylenol.

Reportr : Okay boys, lets get some pictures.  ( Take photos off 

	  of wall . . .)

( Various reports from around the world are shown )

TVGUY   : This bulletin just handed to me . . . stricken airliner

	  approaches Chicago.

Countpt : They bought their tickets, they knew what they were

	  getting into.  I say let em crash.

Man2    : Would you like a little whiskey ma'am?

Woman6  : ( In a berating voice ) CERTAINLY NOT!  ( She the does

	  cocaine )

Striker : How are the passengers doing?

Rumack  : I won't deceive you Mr. Striker . . . we're running out

	  of time.

Striker : Surely there must be something you can do.

Rumack  : I'm doing everything I can and stop calling me Shirley.

Nun     : R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me . . . Sock

	  it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me . . . A little

	  respect ( passenger vomits as she sings ) Just a little

	  bit . . .

Attndnt : Booo-hooo ( she crys )

Rumack  : Randy, are you alright?

Attndnt : Oh, Dr. Rumack, I'm scared.  I've never been so scared.

	  And besides, I'm 26 and I'm not married.

Rumack  : We're going to make it, you've got to believe that.

Woman3  : Dr. Rumack, do you have any idea when we'll be landing?

Rumack  : Pretty soon, how are you bearing up?

Woman3  : Well, to be honest, I've never been so scared. But, at

	  least I have a husband. ( Randy sobs harder )

Voice   : Stay in formation, target's just ahead.  Target should

	  be clear if you go in low enough.  You'll have to decide

	  You'll have to decide...

Striker : oh rats! we lost number 4.

Elaine  : What happened Ted, what went wrong?

Striker : The oil pressure, I forgot to check the oil pressure.

	  When Kramer hears about this, the shit's gonna hit 

	  the fan ( We see shit hitting a fan )

Kramer  : Watch that oil temperature, what the hell's he doing up

	  there?  Striker, that plane can't land itself, it

	  takes a pilot that can handle pressure.

MCrosky : Ease off Rex, he hasn't flown for years, its not his

	  fault.  It could happen to any pilot.

Johnny  : It happened to Barbara Stanwick.

MCrosky : Don't push him too hard, give him a break.  You gotta

	  remember who you're dealing with.

Johnny  : Nick, Leaf, Jerrod, there's a fire in the barn.

Striker : He's right, I can't take the pressure.  I was crazy to

	  think I could land this plane.

Elaine  : Ted, you're the only hope.

Striker : I don't care. ( Plane starts to nosedive again ) I don't

	  have what it takes.  They'd be better off with someone

	  who'd never flown before.

MCrosky : Bad news, the fog is getting thicker.

Johnny  : And Leon's getting laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrger.

Striker : I know what you're going to say, so save your breath.

Rumack  : Well, I don't have anything to say, you've done the

	  best you could.  You really have, the best you could.

	  You can't expect to win em all.  But, I want to tell

	  you something I've kept to myself through these years.

	  I was in the war myself, medical corps.  I was on late

	  duty one night when they brought in a badly wounded

	  pilot from one of the raids.  He could barely talk.

	  He looked at me and said " The odds were against

	  us up there, but we went in anyway, I'm glad Captain

	  made the right decision.  The pilot's name was George


Striker : George Zip said that?

Rumack  : The last thing he said to me, doc, he said, "Sometime

	  when the crew is up against it, the breaks are beating

	  the boys, tell them to get out there and give it all

	  they got and win just one for the Zipper.  I don't 

	  know where I'll be then doc, he said, but I won't smell

	  too good, that's for sure.

Striker : Excuse me doc, I got a plane to land.

Kramer  : Alright Striker, you'd better stay up there for a bit,

	  as soon as the fog lifts, we'll bring you in.

Striker : I'll take it Elaine.  Listen to me Kramer, Dr. Rumack

	  says the sick people are in critical condition. And 

	  every minute counts. We've got to land now.

Kramer  : Don't be a fool Striker, you know what a landing like

	  this means, you more than anybody.  I'm ordering you

	  to stay up there.

Striker : NO DICE CHICAGO.  I'm giving the orders and we're

	  coming in.  I guess the foot's on the other hand now,

	  isn't it Kramer?

Kramer  : He'll never make it in this soup, not one chance in a


MCrosky : I know, I know,  but its his ship now, his command, he's

	  in charge, he's the boss, head man, top dog, big cheese,

Towergy : Captain, look at this!

MCrosky : Passengers certain to die!

Kramer  : Airline negligent.

Johnny  : There's a sale at Penny's!

MCrosky : Alright, I'll need 3 men up in the tower.  You Newbower,

	  you Maceias. . .

Johnny  : Me John!  Big tree.

Kramer  : Standby, Striker.  We're going to the tower, good luck.

Johnny  : The tower, the tower . . . Repunzle, Repunzle . . .

Woman4  : Stewardess, how soon so we land?

Attndnt : It won't be long now, try not to worry.

Towerguy: We're all ready sir, this is Captain McCrosky, Captain

	  Roberts, Captain Kramer, Captain Kolosomo, Captain

	  Henshaw this is Captain Gatz,  Captain Kramer, Captain

	  Gatz, Captain Henshaw, Captain Roberts.

MCrosky : Alright Kolosomo, you work the relay, Roberts, check all

	  air traffic within five miles,  get that finger out of

	  your ear, you don't know where that finger's been ( guy

	  smells his finger ) Got a cigarette Nels?  Your husband

	  and the others are alive, but unconscious.

Johnny  : Just like Gerald Ford.

MCrosky : Now, there's a chance we can save them, if Striker can

	  get that plane down in time.

MSOever : That isn't much of a chance, is it?

MCrosky : I don't know, I don't know, but we're doing everything

	  we can, now excuse me huh?

Johnny  : Where did you get that dress? Its aweful . . . and

	  those shoes, and that coat, geeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzz.

( Tower Guys Playing Atari basketball on radar screen )

Towergy : 8 miles.  Looks like their heading 0-4-4.

Elaine  : We are now at 2000 feet beginning our decent.

Kramer  : Steve, I want every light you can get poured onto

	  that field. ( A dump truck dumps table lamps onto the

	  runway )

Towergy : Tower to all emergency vehicles, runway is 9er. 

	  Airport vehicles take stations 1 and 2.  Civilian

	  equipment number 3.  Air Force positions number 4

	  and 5.  All ambulances go to number 3.  Air

	  Israel, please clear the runway ( Plane is shown

	  wearing a beard, hat, tallis, and yarmulke. )

Attendnt: In a moment, we'll ask you to assume crash positions.

	  your life jackets are located under your seat.  Place

	  the jacket over your head.  And when I give the word,

	  pull the cord on the right side flap.  Your seat

	  cushions are also equipped with a flotation device.

Radio   : WZAZ in Chicago, where disco lives forever ( plane

	  knocks down station's transmitter )

Kramer  : Watch your altitude Striker, you're too erratic.  You

	  can't come straight in.  You've got enough fuel left

	  for two hours of flying.

Striker : I'll take it Elaine.  Listen to me Kramer!  We have

	  people up here who will die in less than an hour

	  let alone two.  I may bend your precious airplane,

	  but I'll get it down.  I'm putting the landing gear

	  down now.

Attendnt: Mr. Striker, the passengers are ready.

Striker : Thank you Randy.  You'd better leave sweetheart.  You

	  might get hurt up here.

Elaine  : Ted,

Striker : Yes?

Elaine  : I wanted you to know, now . . . I'm very proud.

Striker : Tell 'em the gear is down and we're ready to land.

Elaine  : The gear is down and we're ready to land.

Kramer  : Alright, he's on final now, put out all runway lights

	  except 9er.

Towerguy: Captain, maybe we ought to turn on the search lights


MCrosky : No, thats just what they'll be expecting us to do.

Rumack  : I just want to tell you both good luck, we're all 

	  counting on you.

Kramer  : Alright, now just listen carefully . . . you should

	  be able to see the runway at 300 feet.  Aim the

	  touchdown a third of the way along.  There's a slight

	  crosswind from the right so be ready for it.  Land 

	  too fast, use your emergency breaks.  The red handle's

	  right in front of you.  If that doesn't stop you . . .

	  ( long pause ) . . . if that doesn't stop you cut the

	  four ignition switches over the co-pilot's head.

	  Do you see us now?  You should be able to see the field

	  now.  ( Dog barks )

MCrosky : It sure is quiet out there. . .

Kramer  : Yeah, too quiet.

MCrosky : Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing

	  glue. ( inhales some glue and falls over ) 

Striker : There it is.

Kramer  : There he is.  Striker, you're coming in too fast . . .

Striker : I know, I know.

Elaine  : He knows, he knows.

Airdude : Getting below 700 now, still going down. 675, 650, 625,

	  he's holding. . .no, no he's down, he's down.

Kramer  : Sound your alarm bell, now.

Attendnt: Alright now everybody, get in crash positions ( The

	  passengers arrange themselves as if they just crash-

	  ed. )

Kramer  : Put down 30 degrees of flap.  Striker now listen to me

	  Remember your breaks and switches, get ready to  fly it

	  out . . .

Airdude : He's all over the place, 900 feet, up to 1300 feet . . .

	  what an asshole.            

Kramer  : More mast rudder, put down more flap . . .

Johnny  : ( Unplugs runway lights ) Just kidding.

Kramer  : Striker, lift your nose, straighten your wings.  You're 

	  coming in too fast, watch your speed.  

MCrosky : He's coming right at us . . . ( jumps through a window )

Kramer  : You're coming in too hot.  Ease up on the throttle.

	  Watch for that crosswind.  Aim for the numbers, you'll

	  have to dip your left wing.  You're drifting, keep your

	  eyes on the far end of the runway.  You're too low 

	  damnit!  Watch your stall speed.  Ease her down, down.

	  The break . . . pull the red handle.  

Rumack  : I just want to tell you both good luck, we're all

	  counting on you.

Voice2  : Flight 2-0-9 now arriving gate 8- gate 9, gate 10

Kramer  : Push a button.

Voice2  : Gate 13, gate 14, gate 15 . . .

Johnny  : Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, toto . . . its a twister, 

	  its a twister.

Voice   : Gate 23, 24, 25 . . .

( Plane lands safely )

Rumack  : I just want to tell you both-- good luck, we're all

	  counting on you.

Kramer  : Striker, Striker, you alright?

Striker : Yeah, we're okay.

Kramer  : Ted that was probably the worst landing in the history

	  of this airport, but some of us here, particularly me

	  would like to buy you a drink and shake your hand . . 

	  and Ted I just want you to know that when the going

	  got rough . . .

Attendnt: Okay alright, have a nice day . . .have a nice day,

	  thank you for flying TransAmerican.

Kramer  : Lonliness, thats the bottom line.  I was never happy

	  as a child . . . Christmas Ted, what does that mean 

	  to you?  It was living hell.  Do you know what its 

	  like falling in the mud and getting kicked, in the head. 

	  With an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does,

	  that never happens.  Sorry Ted, that's a dumb question.

Attendnt: Have a nice day.

Kramer  : Municipal bonds Ted, I'm talking double A rating. . .

	  the best investment in America.

( Ted and Elaine go off into the sunset and Otto and his

inflatable friend Ottoette fly the plane off )

			  THE END!!!!!