My drama teacher is a big looser and didn't even have a lesson plan today. She walked in 20 minutes late and asked us all how our weekends went, then she said "To-day... we're gonna be doing... ssiiilent...acting. Silent acting. Go sit in the chairs and do silent acting."
I saw an elephant explode today. It was disgusting. Ka-BOOM! *splatter* And then, when I went to New Orleans on my jet plane, I realized that elephants weren't allowed on the plane, so then, Babar who was my new friend, had to get off. But he wouldn't so I had to explode him, too. Ka-BOOM! *splatter* It was kind of sad, but kind of beautiful...
I was in New Orleans, you know, for Mardi Gras, and I knew that I would never be able to tell the President about my secret affair with Bob the janitor, so I hid and disguised myself as the queen of the ball. I wore a purple satin dress, but then my golden crown melted in the rain... and all was lost. I had to tell him, in front of the entire city. It was humiliating, but beautiful in a way...
You'd never guess what happened next. I took the train back, and the president paid for it because I couldn't afford it, and I saw your brother at the train station! He was wearing a sailor suit, you know like Popeye the sailor, and I said "Hey! You're [your] brother!" And he tried to hide and all, but I saw who it was, and I called your mom to tell her that your brother was in N'Orleans. At first she didn't believe me, but then I showed her the picture and convinced her. She told me that she'd pay me not to show anyone the picture, but I couldn't take her money so I said that I'd trade her the picture. All she had to do was bake me a king cake, but not a coffee king cake, but a white king cake but with the frosting and make sure that I got the baby.
I picked it up at your house just a few minutes ago. Did you see me? I was in a limo. The pizza guy gave it to me because I gave him such a big tip. I told him that he was very handsome too, and no one had ever told him that before, so he gave me a limo. I can't drive, but my mom bought me a fake ID and so I can drive, as long as the police don't catch me. My cat was in the trunk, so I had to stop and get it out because there were carbon monoxide fumes in there. So I stopped at the stop sign, and you'll never believe who I saw at the stop sign. James Earl Jones. I was sooo surprised, and I told him that I had used him as an example on my religion paper. He asked to see it but I couldn't find it. He said it was ok and gave me his autograph. Then he sang a song for me, and I was really happy and asked him to sing the Yaoi Day song for me. He did and I taped it, and I put it on a CD. I sold it and everyone loved it, so Rhino Records bought the copyright. SO if you see a CD with Yaoi day on it, you know that it's the one that James Earl Jones sang for.
And after I saw James Earl Jones, I got back into the limo and James asked if he could invite Miriah Carey to come to and I said no she could not because she had refused to sing at my birthday party. But then she said that she had been planning to, but she had forgotten. SO I said ok, as long as Amy Grant could come too, and so they called her and I had to go pick her up at the airport. She was riding Delta, but I was boycotting them for not letting Babar fly with us. So I snuck a bomb onto the plane, don't worry there were only a bunch of murders and child molesters on the plane including the pilot so it was not a great loss when they all burst into flames. But Delta lost a lot of money and now they have to call all their planes JessicaPlanes and in exchange I'll give them a loan from the CD sales from James Earl Jones.
Anyway, it turned out Amy Grant was not riding Delta after all but was riding TWA so I went to the gate where TWA was and I sat and waited for the longest time, wondering where she could be. Then she came, and I bought her a pretzel from the pretzel vendor, but the whole thing cost $4 and that was pretty despicable. SO I asked the vendor why he was doing all these things and he said it was because of a huge government conspiracy involving Sadam Huissein. So I called over Amy Grant and James Earl Jones and even Mariah and we talked about it, and decided the best course of action would be to call the pentagon and to tell the speaker of the house (Trent Lott) about the conspiracy.
But then we called him and it turned out that he had known all along and now that we knew our very lives were at stake. I had no idea what to do. SO I piled all of us in the BMW and high tailed it out of there. We got onto I-75 and turned onto Kellog, riding on no more than two wheels when the police saw us and flagged us down. Since my ID was fake I pushed James Earl Jones into the driver's seat, deaf to his protests. The police man came up and I saw at a glance that he had no face! He was one of those aliens that the government is sending to dispose of the Human Race.
James Earl Jones got out his flame thrower and set the man a'fire. When the man was set on fire, he didn't scream or anything because he was made of metal! I knew that it would not be long before he managed to put out the fire on his own. So I rolled up the window and pushed James Earl Jones back to the back seat. I turned onto Kellog, and at the stop sign waited nervously as cars wizzed by, knowing that if anyone saw me my death was eminent. I stopped at your house, and there was your mom with the king cake. I knew that anyone who had been following me would have seen that I stopped at your house and then your name would have been on the milk cartons so I just wizzed by your house with the car door open and grabbed your mom and pulled her in. I got the cake and it turned out that the cake was the very thing that would put to rights the entire conspiracy involving Sadam and the Aliens. Then I came home.
©1999 Jessica Brady