Welcome to the page housing quote after quote after quote. Some of these are things that people I know have said, some are from movies that I've seen, and others are from various sources so bizarre and sundry that I can't even begin to name them. So enjoy yourself, and hopefully you'll find one that you like.
Now I shall long chew their words like good grains; my teeth shall grind them and crush them small till they flow like milk into my soul.
"What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?"
-- Ursula K. LeGuin
"Like we're not that different...just, human or whatever."
-- Brittany, from Daria
Stone walls do not a prison make,
Nor iron bars a cage;
Minds innocent and quiet take
That for an hermitage
If I have freedom in my love,
And in my soul am free,
Angels alone that soar above
Enjoy such liberty.
-- Richard Lovelace, from "To Althea, from Prison"
And beyond that all I have to say is that if we stoop to judging the visual medium by how much flesh it shows us, we have become MTV, and that is a bad, bad thing :)
(Don't believe me? *scary voice* N-Syyyyyyyyyyyyyyyync. I rest my case)
"Hi Sara! I'm a magic piece of talking clay!"
-- Mr Gone from "The MAXX"
"Follow the Inner Sea they say..but will they tell me which one it is? NOOOO!
-- Izzy, while playing Lunar SSS
Peggy's Dad: You can drown in an inch of water.
Peggy's Mom: Less, if you're a cricket.
-- Peggy's parents, discussing Peggy's brother Fran's drowning his crickets
French Guard: "I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal
food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a
hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"
-- From Monty Python and The Quest for the Holy Grail
Nicki: I'm going to sing the Siren Song of the Elevator and lure people in
Peggy: You're scaring me!
Nicki: Come... ride in the... El-le-va-tor...
Todd: [a total stranger at the time, BTW] (runs down hall into elevator, crouches by Nicki) What are you doing?
Peggy: Riding the elevator up and down.
Todd: Oh. Why?
Nicki: We were bored. (doors shut)
Todd: Now I'm trapped! (sits down) Oh well.
-- Peggy, on Latin convention and it's recreational possibilities
"I've got a plan and it's as hot as my pants!"
-- Lord Flasheart, in Blackadder II
Leslie G.: Did your camera just go off?
Leslie: That's odd.
Heidi: You're such a spaz.
Peggy: (pause till dude is out of earshot) No, you fools, I just photographed
the Hot Elevator Man without his knowledge!
Heidi & Leslie: ::roll eyes:: Oh.
-- Peggy, on photo ops at Latin convention
"This doll won't stop talking to me... If it doesn't shut up, I'm going to brush its hair... I'm going to brush its hair... BRUSH its hair so hard...until its head--- <POP>"
-- Julie Winters from "The MAXX"
"A computer terminal is not some clunky old television with a typewriter in front of it. It is an interface where the mind and body can connect with the universe and move bits of it about."
-- Douglas Adams
"And you don't even need pants!"
-- Scott Adams
Flowers gathered in the morning,
Afternoon they blossom on,
Still are withered in the evening:
You can be me when I'm gone.
...All around me darkness gathers,
Fading is the sun that shone;
We must speak of other matters:
You can be me when I'm gone...
-- Neil Gaiman, from The Sandman series
"His madness... His madness keeps him sane."
"And do you think he is the only one, my sister?"
-- Delirium and Dream, in Fables and Reflections, by Neil Gaiman
"O, sandwich maker from Bob!" He pronounced. He paused and furrowed his brow with pious contemplation. "Life will be a very great deal less weird without you!"
Arthur was stunned. "Do you know," he said "I think that's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me."
--- Mostly Harmless, by Douglas Adams
"Holy Kleenex, Batman! It was right under our nose and we blew it!"
-- Robin, in Batman
Mrs. Markey: Whose jar of pickles is that?
Me: Those pickles are psychically transmitting notes to Peggy because she is late.
Mrs. Markey: Okay. Why those pickles?
Me: They are kosher.
Mrs. Markey: Good.
-- Art History, the other day
"Let me clear this up once & for all . . . I am sure there's a Satan. But I am also sure Satan has better things to do, and better energy sources than a bunch of kids at a slumber party. So relax, it's not Satan."
-- Christine R. Kaminsky of OSIS, Inc. discussing who you *won't* meet via a Oujia board
"You are my lover and I am your mistress and kingdoms and empires and governments have tottered and succumbed before now to that mighty combination."
-- Violet Trefusis
"Random people travel in packs."
-- Mary, on hospital visitors
"My family always dresses up like homosexual men for Christmas."
--Nicki, on the Village People and her bizarre holiday traditions
[Barbara is paranoid over the fleas that have infested her & Tom's house]
Barbara: NO!! Do we have to keep SAYING the word...
Mr. Balthroad (pest control): What, FLEA? It's only a word...
Barbara: I KNOW its only a word,and I'm being silly, but that doesn't mean that we have to keep SAYING it!!!
Mr. Balthroad: Right! From now on, they will be referred to as "the little offenders".
-- Barbara and Mr. Balthroad, from Good Neighbors
"Bryne: You will work on part two, you will work on part two...
Meghan: I will play a kazoo, I will play a kazoo..."
-- From Peggy's sig file
"Aim for the cat, dude! Aim for the cat!"
-- Evil Robot Ted, in Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, which, btw, was not as good as the first one
"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune. To lose both looks like carelessness."
-- Lady Silvia Marsh, The Lair of the White Worm
Peggy: "Won't you join me in a glass of wine?"
Prof. Quail: "You get in first, and if there's room enough I'll join you."
-- Peggy and Prof. Quail, in International House
"Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants."
-- A not-so-useless fact from a "useless fact" email
"This is NOT a rooster. This is a chicken with delusions of grandeur."
-- Peggy, explaining what the bizarre little carved wooden thing in the shop in Assisi was
"It's been cool to be cool for too long now and now it's cool not to be cool."
-- Ben Folds
"One of the deep mysteries to me is our logo, the symbol of lust and knowledge, bitten into, all crossed with in the colors of the rainbow in the wrong order. You couldn't dream of a more appropriate logo: lust, knowledge, hope, and anarchy."
-- Jean Louis Gassee on the Apple Logo
"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world."
-- Dave Barry
"Just because you're floating doesn't mean you haven't drowned."
-- They Might Be Giants, in Dark and Metric
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that the thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning.
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
-- Adapted from Dune
"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."
-- Charles Babbage, on a computer-user problem that is still prevelant
"I do not know what to do with this new information."
-- Carolyn, after solving an insanely complex problem and getting three
"We don't have time to be dead! We have to study!"
-- Ami, in Sailor Moon, sounding suspiciously like an Urusla student
"Oh sleep! it is a gentle thing,
Beloved from pole to pole!"
-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge, from The Rime of the Ancient Mariner
"Yes, lol every moment you can because soon a time will come when there will be no lol."
Feck: "I had a girlfriend once. I loved her. And I killed her."
Samson: "I killed my girlfriend too."
Feck: "Did you love her?"
Samson: "She was okay."
-- Feck and Samson, in River's Edge
Claudette: "I'm Claudette Katzenback, the va-va-va-voom girl with the va-va-va-voom voice. Who the hell are you?"
-- Claudette, in Radioland Murders
"I think if God is dead he laughed himself to death."
-- Justin Playfair, in They Might Be Giants
-- The Tick (click here for more quotes from The Tick)
"Villains--I say to you now--KNOCK OFF ALL THAT EVIL!!"
-- also The Tick (click here for more quotes from The Tick)
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
"If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us."
-- Herman Hesse
"Look, it's been swell, but the swelling's gone down."
-- Tank Girl
[Tank Girl has the Madame captive]
Tank Girl: "Now - everybody throw down your guns or I scrape off all her make up!"
[considers the Madame's face] "This might take a really long time."
-- Tank Girl, in a scene that sounds a lot like something that might happen at SUA
"Common sense and a sense of humor, are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense... dancing."
-- Clive James
"There. That's the Great Seal of England. Don't lose it. Without the seal, there's no more England and we'll all have to pack up and go back to Normandy."
-- King Henry in Becket
"Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand gay guys with M16s going, 'Who'd you call a faggot?'"
-- John Stewart
"Remember, high-tech means breaks down next week, while cutting edge means breaks down this afternoon."
-- Bruce Sterling
"I like anarchy, but it's kind of hard to enforce."
-- Brian Westley
"People are worried about online porn on the Internet. It's the endless `Who's better--Kirk or Picard?' threads that should scare them."
-- Jim Mullen, Entertainment Weekly
"Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd."
"A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."
-- Douglas Adams
"A lot of writers can pull off being subtle, but it takes a genius like Melville to write a great book that is so utterly lacking in subtlety."
-- Fiona Webster
"If everyone in Congress who has ever had an affair resigned, I have a feeling Barney Frank would have the place to himself."
-- Ailsa Murphy
"The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good."
-- Robert Graves
"If it's supposed to move and it doesn't, spray with WD-40; if it's not supposed to move and it does, wrap with duct tape; if it's more complicated than this, use a Swiss Army knife."
"There are two types of people in this world: those who think giant steam powered robotic spiders are stupid, and those who don't."
-- Bryan F. Theiss
"Sex in a weightless environment must be great fun."
-- Guy on show about space travel and the Orion project on the History channel
"In the fifties, EVERYONE had cute, sparkley sausages."
-- Peggy, in a conversation where that actually made sense
"I'd have thrashed him to within an inch of his life, but I didn't have a tape measure."
-- S. Quentin Quale in Go West
"And you...you're not a clown...you're a little boy in tights."
-- Mrs. Bluff in Doug
"There's something about going to bed that just requires taking your pants off."
-- A very tired Katie
"Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence."
-- Henrik Tikkanen
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move."
-- Douglas Adams
Jenny: Are you a criminal?
Old Ben: In a way, yes.
Jenny: What did you do? Rob a bank?
Old Ben: No...
Jenny: Kill someone?
Old Ben: No!
Jenny: Then you must a communist!
-- a little girl named Jenny and Old Ben in an episode of The Twilight Zone
Jenny: Am I going to die?
Old Ben: Yes, eventually. But not right now.
-- little Jenny and Old Ben, later in the same episode of The Twilight Zone
"We are torn between the craving to know and the despair of having known."
-- F. Sagan
"There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with 'or die.'"
-- Alistair J.R. Young
"Nothing spoils the taste of peanut butter like unrequited love."
-- Charlie Brown
"When I am right, I get angry. Churchill gets angry when he is wrong. So we were often angry at each other."
-- Charles De Gaulle
"The national budget must be balanced. The public debt must be reduced; the arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and controlled. Payments to foreign governments must be reduced, if the nation doesn't want to go bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance."
-- Marcus Tullius Cicero, 55 B.C.
"It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English -- up to fifty words used in correct context -- no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese."
-- Carl Sagan
"I think it would be a good idea."
-- Mahatma Gandhi, when asked what he thought of Western civilization
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And East is East and West is West and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does."
-- Groucho Marx
"Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis ad capul tuum saxum immane mittam."
(Translation: "I have a catapult. Give me all the money or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.")
"If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajitas, 'cause that's what he's getting."
"Happy is the man who can laugh at himself, for he will never cease to be amused."
"It's not just enough to work, have babies, go to church, and DIE!"
-- Man on tv show on The History Channel
"History does not always repeat itself. Sometimes it just yells, 'Can't you remember anything I told you?' and lets fly with a club."
-- John W. Campbell
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but so would an 80 lb. carrot."
-- Paul Reubens
"Only a ninja can kill another ninja."
-- a bumper sticker in Clifton
"As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!"
-- Jack Handey, in a deep thought
"You can worship God,
Or you can worship Buddah,
Your prayers are answered either way
With Hickory Farms Gouda!
Pray to the big cheese!
-- Spartans' cheer at Hickory Farms, celebrating cheese
Nancy: You're so resourceful, darling, I ought to go to you for plots.
Sylvia: You ought to go to someone.
-- Nancy and Sylvia, in The Women
"I'm impatient with stupidity. My people have learned to live without it."
-- Klaatu, in Day the Earth Stood Still
"Everything sticks until it goes away, and the truth is, we don't know anything."
-- They Might Be Giants, in Ana Ng
"It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons."
-- Jack Handey
"Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough."
-- Mark Twain
"I turn away in fright and horror from the lamentable evil of functions which do not have derivatives."
-- Charles Hermite
"Thus we play the fools with the time, and the spirits of the wise sit in the clouds and mock us."
-- William Shakespeare, in King Henry IV
"One sign of maturity is the ability to be comfortable with people who are not like us."
-- Virgil A. Kraft
"Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive."
-- Bugs Bunny
"The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them."
-- William Clayton
"The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose."
-- William Shakespeare
"I couldn't wait for success...so I went ahead without it."
-- Jonathan Winters
"I always wanted to be somebody. I guess I should have been more specific."
-- Lily Tomlin
"The world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel."
-- Horace Walpole
"FLAWED BUT ENJOYABLE"
-- a quote that not only sums up a movie, but much of life
"I have very little time, and so the conversation will be entirely about me and I shall love it."
-- Beverly, in The Man Who Came to Dinner (1942)
"Finally Trowa decided that since death was their ultimate fate, the octopus men should be brave about it all, and stuffed them whole into his mouth, enjoying the sharp burst of flavor as his teeth crushed the peppercorns."
-- "To Fall Asleep With A Smile," by Jessica Brady
"No sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!"
-- Family Guy
"And so, may Evil beware and may Good dress warmly and eat lots of fresh vegetables."
-- The Tick
"Stop in the name of all which does not suck."
-- Beavis and Butthead
"God was my copilot, but we crashed in the mountains so I had to eat Him."
-- Darkie's member info
Courtney: Dude! This person is such a freak! They have a rubber chicken that they carry everywhere they go, and they have a picture of it on their webpage!
Critter: Courtney, have you ever seen your web page?
Courtney: Oh, right.
-- a conversation between Courtney and Critter
Kate: I'm going to be 17 tomorrow.
Max: Wow, now you can read Seventeen magazine and get all the references.
-- from Kicking and Screaming (1995)
"And isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony, anyway? I mean, all you get is one trick, rational thinking. But when you're good and crazy, ooh ooh ooh, the sky's the limit!"
-- The Tick (click here for more quotes from The Tick)
"I couldn't help overhearing. I had my ear to the door."
-- Uncle Matt, in The Bacholer and the Bobby-Soxer
"Many's the long night I've dreamed of cheese - toasted, mostly."
-- Robert Lousis Stevenson, said by Ben Gunn, in Treasure Island
"Bowen's Beer Makes You Drunk."
-- Kingsley Amis, suggesting an advertising slogan
"A good man can be stupid and still be good. But a bad man must have brains."
-- Maxim Gorky, in The Lower Depths
"A truly great man never puts away the simplicity of a child."
-- Chinese Proverb
"Razors pain you
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live."
-- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"
"If all the young ladies who attended the Yale promenade dance were laid end to end, no one would be the least surprised."
-- Dorothy Parker, "While Rome Burns"
"This is on me."
-- Dorothy Parker, suggesting an epitaph
"It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard."
-- Dorothy Parker, said on going to hospital to get an abortion
"Dear Mary, We all knew you had it in you."
-- Dorothy Parker, telegram to friend on successful outcome of her much-publicized pregnancy
"Excuse my dust."
-- epitaph of Dorothy Parker
"It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious."
-- Oscar Wilde, "Landy Windemere's Fan"
"If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners, she doesn't deserve to have any."
-- Oscar Wilde, complaining about having to wait in the rain for his transport to take him to prison
"To marvel at nothing is just about the one and only thing, Numicius, that can make a man happy and keep him that way."
-- Horace, Epistles I
"Oh my! There's a lot of pollen in God's high school."
-- Mr. O'Neil, in Daria
"You know your day's complete when you receive an e-kiss from Satan."
"Apparently being British is something you can catch. God help us if it spreads like Ebola."
-- Mr. Cranky
"Gentlemen, synchronize swatches!"
-- Parker Lewis
"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing."
-- Agatha Christie
"I think you're very nice. I think twinkle's a nice word. So's viridian. I met a lady once who had an imaginary fish."
-- Delirium, in The Sandman by Neil Gaiman
"Life doesn't throw me curve balls. It just hits me with the bat."
"It always rains on the unloved."
-- The Sandman by Neil Gaiman
"Just as long as I don't see it, it's not there."
-- Val, writing notecards on virgins in her sleep
"You can only die once you know. From then on, you kill with fright."
"If only it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere committing evil deeds, an it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?"
-- Alexander Solzhenitsyn, The Gulag Archipelago
"When you really look closely, people are so strange and so complicated that they're actually beautiful."
-- Angela (Claire Danes), in My So-Called Life
"So you're a feminist... isn't that cute."
-- Andy's profile
"Depression is rage spread thin."
"being nice is for quitters."
--heidi i. arnold
"I'm sorry to tell u this but I don't go to your web site anyone.I'm a singer and I stay busy so I have no time to go on any Web Sites but mine and Sisqo's."
--The greatest reply that Andrew has ever received to any mailing list message that he has ever sent out
Mrs. Markey (in Italy, checking on the events of the past day): Courtney, how much wine have you had today?
Courtney (distracted by pasta and thus unhearing): ...today?
Mrs. Markey: Oh God, Courtney! ::wanders off::
-- Mrs. Markey and Courtney in Italy Courtney's sophomore year
"It's not like I pine after him, but he's fun to freak on."
--Peggy, on Joe Rosemeyer
"Hey! The gay man in me is secretly in love with Joe!"
--Peggy, on why she doesn't pine after him
"Another day in NeoTokyo...
Shit blows up...
Life goes on..."
--Peggy on Akira
Aunt Ele: I'm going on a mystery tour!
Ginger: Oh, where to?
Aunt Ele: (pause) Your husband asked me that same stupid question.
--Chels' 86-year-old Aunt Ele
"I wear the cheese. It does not wear me."
-- The Cheese Man in "Restless", ep 4.22 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer
"You can't take something off the Internet! It's like taking pee out of a swimming pool."
-- Joe Garelli, News Radio
"Face the darkness. Stare it down. Own it. As brother Nietzsche said, being human is a complicated gig. So give that ol' dark night of the soul a hug. Howl the eternal yes!"
--Chris Stevens, Northern Exposure
"Talking to the elder of my 3 younger cousins (i'll be 30 by the time the youngest is bearably non-lame... eep!) is kind of like Naked Lunch. He starts off with something real, then goes off on such reality ignoring blabs about whatever he was talking about, but he doesn't seem to notice the fact that what he's saying is possibly THE MOST DISCONNECTED THING FROM REALITY IN THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING UNIVERSE! It's like, yeah, okay, fuck off, crack-boy, i don't care about your damn hallucinations. He also likes to pull pants down."
"there is no rest for the wicked. because the wicked work at mcdonald's."
"I try to remember, as I hear about friends getting engaged, that it's not about the ring, and it's not about the wedding. It's a grave thing, getting married. And it's easy to get swept up in the wrong things."
"I ran around in the street barefoot last night with Alexis and waved at cars until I had to run away before they hit me. Am I cool now?"
"Scroll up, dude! You're in Canada!"
-- me, to Val
goodnight bowl full of mush"
-- yet another of John's away messages
"Children grow up, they move out! Sometimes to ridiculous places like Cincinnati, or Boise, Idaho! Then you never see them again!"
-- Chorus in Mighty Aphrodite (1995)
"Silence knave, let us not laugh at the drunken keyboard."
-- Sam, on a typo ("haooy birthday!")
"They don't care anymore! They just come right up and look in the windows!"
-- my mom, being really bitter about deer
"Yeah man, I tell ya what, man. That dang ol' Internet, man. You just go on there and point and click. Talk about W-W-dot-W-com. An' lotsa nekkid chicks on there, man. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. It's real easy, man."
-- Boomhauer, on King of the Hill
"There's a little Dickens in all of us."
-- Me, musing on the expression "I _____ the Dickens out of my ______."
Hilly: ::pops elbow:: Ow! Did you hear that? I wasn't even trying to do that. I was trying to reproduce myself. Like Charlie. Does that mean that I'm doomed?
-- Hilly, after I explained to her Charlie's plans for world domination, which include asexual reproduction of himself